Shibari, Asexuality & Finding Freedom in Restraint

The Ace Power bottom: Meet Inu

This week, we're joined by Inu, a shibari enthusiast and inclusive kink advocate who's shattering myths about asexuality, desire, attraction, and pleasure. As a mixed-race trans individual, Inu's experiences of navigating the intersections of identity within the kink community and beyond have been both wonderful and challenging. He joins Bethany on the Sassy sofa to share his journey of unapologetic self-discovery, the power of communication, and why being a "power bottom" is all about earning respect.

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When Inu settles onto The Sassy Show sofa in fishnets, a collar, and black lipstick, embodying his goth-loving style and joyful individuality, he shares how this is his "battle armor." A battle that sadly exists in the face of societal ignorance around gender and sexuality. However, Inu is changing that one day at a time by being actively present on dating apps, living a polyamorous lifestyle, and providing a refreshing example that challenges assumptions. Having first met Inu - whose name means "dog" in Japanese, nodding to his puppy tendencies - at a kink party, Bethany quickly learned about his love for shibari and his philosophy of living unapologetically aligned with all his needs and desires. "At the end of the metaphorical day, I'm all I've got and so I need to look after me." This philosophy of tucking yourself into bed at night, knowing you're your own foundation, has become his guiding principle.

The biggest myth I want to bust is that asexual people aren't robots. Some asexual people enjoy sex. Some will do it to keep their partners happy and that's how they derive joy from it. Some people don't want to be touched at all. And some people are a mix of all of that.

The largest misconception Inu tackles is about asexuality itself. "The biggest myth I want to bust is that asexual people aren't robots. Some asexual people enjoy sex. Some will do it to keep their partners happy and that's how they derive joy from it. Some people don't want to be touched at all. And some people are a mix of all of that." The frustration shows when discussing representation: "When you think about asexual characters you see in media, they're usually robots or very socially inept people." The constant dating app question, "Why are you on dating apps if you're ace?" reveals the depth of misunderstanding. His response: "I've got in my profile, 'I'm looking for FWB' (friends with benefits). What do they think the B stands for?" Being ace, he explains, doesn't mean abstaining from sex or kink. It's about the absence of sexual attraction, not the absence of desire for connection or profound experiences.

For Inu, their journey into the scene began at a video game munch in 2018, deliberately choosing a likeminded community over specific kinks. "It can be dehumanizing to put kinks first and then people second." But having then been introduced to shibari, rope captured Inu's attention completely. "People look at rope and kind of go, 'Oh, it's all suspensions or torturous positions.' But it's actually a very diverse form of play." For Inu, it offers the paradox of power through surrender. "I feel most liberated when I'm in rope, when I'm being restrained because I've chosen to be there and I know that a single word can stop it. In surrendering, I feel so much more powerful than I do in vanilla life."

I feel most liberated when I'm in rope, when I'm being restrained because I've chosen to be there and I know that a single word can stop it. In surrendering, I feel so much more powerful than I do in vanilla life.

Inu shares how his favorite moments during shibari aren't dramatic suspensions but the aftermath, "Some of the most beautiful pictures are when I'm just on the floor surrounded by rope and you can tell how satisfied and happy I am."Amongst all the play (and pain and pleasure) is communication - becoming the backbone of everything he engages in. "The theme or mantra I take into poly and kink is communication, communication, communication." Inu's approach is upright honesty which he describes with a chuckle as "out the gate blunt to the point where I think it scares some people off". But this is a necessity for Inu, explaining how "I'd rather have the moment of awkwardness of asking a direct question than having a world of hurt later."

Gender and presentation are equally fluid territories where Inu refuses boxes. Despite top surgery, he pushes back against assumptions. Today's outfit - a cute mini skirt and crop top- proves the point. They describe themself as a "power bottom": "You're going to have to top me, but you're going to have to show me that you've earned the right to top me." he shares with a cheeky grin. Confident in "big hecking stomping boots and black lipstick" on the street, but often found wrapped in blanket at home, living his best "soft boy" life, Inu embodies the spectrum. "The best thing about me is that you get the best of both worlds. I'm a top in the streets but a bottom in the sheets." His philosophy on labels offers us a beautiful example of identity liberation: "A label should be descriptive, not prescriptive. You don't have to box yourself in." This matters particularly for ace communities. "Your identity is defined by you. You're the one tucking yourself into bed at night. You know yourself best."

A label should be descriptive, not prescriptive. You don't have to box yourself in.

As someone occupying multiple marginalized identities, Inu shares their persepective on inclusivity and the gaps that are often missed within kink event marketing and organisation. Using the analogy of sweets, Inu explains how "When people say we want a diverse event, what they're probably thinking is a bowl of blue M&M's with a red one tossed in. When really if you want a diverse event, it's across the whole spectrum - a whole bowl of multicoloured M&Ms." Inu's quick to explain how his advocacy is also in regards to economic accessibility aswell as visual representation. "People at a very base level want to see people like them being represented." Looking at the rope community, Inu points out how shibari scenes particularly struggle with stereotypical imagery of male riggers and petite white female bottoms. "There's nothing wrong with that but when that's all there is," the problem becomes glaring. Despite slow progress, he remains hopeful: "It is baby steps. But I am hopeful."

The more we can live with this sense of agency, the less I think we're a minority in it... You're unique, but you're probably not going to be alone in your experience.

What emerges from Inu's philosophy is radical simplicity: live authentically, communicate directly, and remember you're not alone. "My superpower is just doing what I want. It's my life to live." This isn't reckless - it's careful boundary-setting learned through facing mortality. His activism happens through showing up repeatedly as himself in spaces that haven't always made room. The hope is contagious: "The more we can live with this sense of agency, the less I think we're a minority in it." His final wisdom: "You're unique, but you're probably not going to be alone in your experience." And perhaps that's Inu's real gift - the reminder that "there's strength in softness. Being someone who is still kind and soft and giving in a world where those traits aren't necessarily rewarded is a massive show of strength." In his stomping boots and battle armor, Inu is reshaping what representation looks like, one honest conversation at a time.

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Follow Inu on their IG account @xshibarinux and find him on fetlife at xPuppy_Princex for more sassyness.

Interview and portraits by Bethany Burgoyne @bxsassy2