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Episode 9: Meet the party planner and BDSM educator redefining our approach to kinky playtime
Hilly Leader, aka Frau Leader, is the founder of Kinktastisch, a Kinky Queer Berlin-based event where all fetishes are welcome. In this week's podcast episode we hear Hilly talk with our sassy host Bx Sassy, to discuss the importance of communication and creating an aware environment for people to learn and play together.
Motivated to change the way we look at sexual harassment and stop women from blaming themselves, Hilly works to empower people in clubs, cages, and their day-to-day lives. Tune in and connect with Hilly's friendly, welcoming approach to the BDSM world and the mindset she encourages people to have when exploring their kinky side.
Hilly was in her thirties when, having moved to Berlin to start a new life post-divorce, she found herself looking for fellow kinky people to connect with. Having attended a meet-up (also known as a munch) and hungry for more interactions, she went on to host her own get-together which, today, sees over 100 people come through on a weekly basis. It wasn't long before Hilly decided she wanted to create her own events, "I wasn't happy in parties that were happening here and it was mostly about the social aspect of it." She wanted people who were single to feel welcome to come an explore as well as bring more people together to educate and better verbalise their desires and needs during a party situation.
I wasn't happy in parties that were happening here and it was mostly about the social aspect of it
Having grown up in Tel Aviv with a Mother whose job was a sex educator, Hilly's own understanding of sex and intimacy started from a young age. Even before she was sexually active, Hilly found herself offering knowledge and advice to her peers, explaining how "I used to solve sex problems of my friends even before I had had sex...telling them, you need to communicate with each other, nobody can guess what you like, you need to masturbate". Despite the openness of her family, sadly, Hilly didn't feel the same support regarding the topic of BDSM. It took until Hilly was already running Kinktastisch that she finally opened up to her parents about her work in sex parties and educating people. She realised "I'm not doing anything wrong or illegal, this is my life and I'm in my 30s, I should not be ashamed of it"
This is a philosophy that Hilly hopes to spread amongst her community and beyonnd. She tells us how "It's sad to me that there's still so much shame regarding sexuality... Especially when you discover BDSM. It doesn't matter how old you are or what role they have, everyone reacts the same way, they're scared of it." Hilly goes on to explain how often the length of understanding why, for example, you like to hit or be hit, can often lead to questions like 'what's wrong with me'. But Hilly encourages people to step away from these thoughts and instead, have a neutral and accepting stance on the different experiences they may feel drawn to.
It's sad to me that there's still so much shame regarding sexuality... Especially when you discover BDSM. It doesn't matter how old you are or what role they have, everyone reacts the same way, they're scared of it
With the nature of BDSM being underground until very recently, it has meant that education has been far less accessible. However, with phenomenons like 50 Shades of Grey, there has slowly become a normalization of the kink and fetish world. But what isn't often taught is the meaning behind BDSM. Aiding this change in mindset is something Hilly describes as requiring a separation between BDSM and sex; she gives the example of how"there can be a session where I didn't do anything sexual, I didn't have an orgasm, there's no nudity involved for that matter, and I'm super satisfied."
I'm on a personal crusade to empower women to speak up in the moment and not blame themselves when experiencing sexual harassment
As one of the few women working in the sex party scene Hilly's approach to communicative education and throwing events is filled with care and support. She focuses on opening space for people to be curious about their desires and to empower the people around her. This is a trait she has had since a young age, telling us how "If you're my friend, I will always encourage you to do what you want, follow your dreams. If you're down I'm going pick you up. " However, Hilly is now on her own personal crusade to empower women to speak up in the moment and to not blame themselves when experiencing sexual harassment.
I've always been honest. I don't see the point in lying and because of that, I'm really outspoken and direct. I think that's what makes me Sassy
Thanks to her parties, meet-ups, and attending local women's circles, Hilly shares how she is slowly seeing a change in this mindset. "4 years ago, if I asked people to speak up about incidents at parties, women would come to me two weeks afterwards." When asking why they didn't speak in the moment they'd tell her they didn't want to ruin the part. However, today, Hilly is seeing more and more women feeling empowered to flag up inappropriate behavior on the spot so that she can act to support them and fellow party peeps around.
It is clear how motivated Hilly is to led a new example of BDSM and kink can be explored, enjoyed, and educated about. With many exciting projects up her sleeve, and an endless passion to help support fellow kinky wonders, we can't wait to get partying with Hilly again soon.
Hilly's Quickfire Round
When do u feel most confident?
When I'm working
What key experience has shaped you positively?
The feedback I've gotten from people and the validation that what I'm doing it good
One dream you'd like to come true?
I'd love to have my own club
One cause that's close to your heart?
To empower women, to change the way we look at sexual harassment, and to get out of this victim blaming that we do to ourselves.
Best thing about being you?
I always strive for solutions and I also believe there's a solution. And that always comes down to communication.
Keep track of all Hilly's parties and events via IG @kinktastisch and let yourself explore.
Interview and podcast edit by @bxsassy2
Sassy tracklist:
CHAPSTICK by NADUH
AGARRATE by Nathy Peluso Dirrty by Christina Aguilera I Like That by Janelle Monáe Pussy Is God by King Princess